Downing Street Fighter – Ed Miliband vs Boris Johnson
Welcome to the Delta Force Kegworth Paintball Centre for the second of our epic Downing Street Fighter bouts! The Nottinghamshire locals have never seen anything like it. The crowds are out in force as Ed ‘Red Ryu’ Miliband takes on Boris ‘Torie Ken’ Johnson in what promises to be a scintillating spectacle ahead of the UK General Election on 7th May.
Ed Miliband vs Boris Johnson
Both players have just arrived at basecamp and are immediately given their protective headgear and body armour. After a short safety briefing from the Delta Force Paintball marshals we’re ready to get the action underway!
Ed ‘Red Ryu’ Miliband
Based on the infamous ‘Ryu’ – a ‘rough and tumble fighter with a goofy personality’ – Miliband is said to get slightly irritable when hungry. Ed’s most recognisable attire consists of a white karate gi with the sleeves torn off, medium length hair and a long red headband. He particularly enjoys the Counter Strike game scenario.
His signature move is known as the Hadoken – a slightly camp thrusting punch that releases an energy surge through the palms. At the time of writing it’s unclear whether Ed will purchase Delta Force’s optional armoured gloves from the basecamp shop, but we’d certainly recommend it.
Boris ‘Torie Ken’ Johnson
Based on legendary Street Fighter ‘Ken’, Boris is known as a flamboyant, unorthodox, unpredictable alpha male who constantly reminds his opponents of his greatness. While he can be brash, egotistical and arrogant at times, his heart is pure. Described as having long blonde hair and long eyebrows, Boris commonly wears a black belt around his waist. He normally fights barefooted, but the Delta Force Paintball marshals have strongly warned him against it on this occasion.
Boris’ special move involves the use of an M16 upgrade machine gun and a copy of the Daily Telegraph.
Round one: Fight!
The first bout will be played in one of Delta Force Kegworth Paintball Centre’s most popular game zones – Tomb Raider. Both players have the same aim – to capture the ancient amulet from the pyramid and place it at the opponent’s starting point. This seems like a simple enough task, but with Boris’ hand-eye coordination, who knows?!
The game is underway, and Miliband seems to be taking a cautious approach as he labours slowly towards the ancient pyramid. Boris – unsurprisingly – is charging head first into the woods with an M16 upgrade gun in one hand and a copy of the Daily Telegraph in the other. It’s a bizarre approach, but it might just work.
He’s there! Boris has reached the pyramid in record time. All he needs to do now is locate the ancient amulet and progress into Miliband’s territory without being detected – easier said than done when you have bright blonde hair and freakishly long eyebrows, but in paintball anything’s possible.
Round Two: Fight!
The second round is underway, but what’s this? Boris appears to be taking a pit stop! He’s perched himself on the remains of an ancient statue and has opened his newspaper on the property section. This is not the time for house-hunting Boris!
Miliband has spotted his chance and is advancing towards the back of the pyramid. He may not look like Lara Croft but this lad certainly knows his way around a polyhedron. With Boris distracted, he’s in! Now all he needs to do is locate the precious amulet…
Final Round: Fight!
This is a far cry from his home neighbourhood of Fitzrovia, but you have to say Miliband is performing admirably. Within seconds of entering the pyramid he has the precious amulet in his grasp! Now all he needs to do is sneak past Boris and return it to his enemy’s starting point!
The Labour leader is reaching for his optional flash bang. Can he use it to good effect and put this game to bed?
Smash! Boris looks disorientated as the Thunderflash deflects off a nearby tree and explodes, allowing Miliband to make his way to paintball glory! The 45-year-old has played this perfectly. He’s completely outfoxed the wing-munching 50-year-old, who looks even more of a mess than usual.
RED RYU WINS!
Who will Red Ryu face in the Delta Force Paintball Downing Street Fighter final? Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for our next battle between David ‘Cam Lie’ Cameron and todays victor Ed ‘Red Ryu’ Miliband!