I've always known that I wouldn't make a particularly good zombie - I'm just too darned polite. You know what happens to a well groomed zombie that politely asks to eat people's brains? That's right, no brains for that guy. That dude goes hungry and no one wants to feature him in their zombie movies. I don't want to be that guy.
I also know for certain that the zombies are coming in February. I mean think about it, February is the perfect time for them to strike. Most of us are still fat from Christmas and couldn't run far without tripping over our own bellies. I was particularly indulgent myself, so right now I'm like a walking zombie buffet.
Don't believe that they are coming? Check out this found footage of some paintball players bravely doing battle with the undead:
Apologies for the poor quality footage - it was filmed using an old Nokia N95 - but as you can see, there is a chain link fence out there in the woods and those zombies are right behind it.
Don't be fooled into thinking this is just a trailer for a terrible looking movie either - as if someone would release a zombie movie in February!
No this is very real and all that stands between us and the undead is Rose's mean fiancé from Titanic and the recently resurrected Marissa Cooper from The OC. Sure, they might hold them off for a while, but what happens after that man?! WHAT HAPPENS THEN?
Fortunately for me, I'm under protection from an elite team of Delta Force soldiers over at my local paintball centre. Some of the men may only be 8 years old, but they're every bit as tough as Billy Zane.
It's not too late to save yourself, simply give the Delta Force paintball team a call on 0844 477 5115*body armour, grenades and an M16 rifle before it's too late. They even accept cash as payment for the moment, so no need to trade in your petrol or canned goods just yet.
Please choose from the following: